Is sick.

So I started getting sick on Thursday morning. Perhaps I caught something from someone during Wednesday's 4 hour lockdown in the canteen. I don't know. But Thursday morning I awoke to an annoying pain in my throat. It annoyed me. All day.

Friday morning I awoke to a throat in more pain than before. More pain than I thought it would be in. Added to this was the fact that now my head felt the slightest bit achey. I shrugged it off because I was sick not too long ago, and I didn't think I could be getting sick again. But was I? Sure enough about an hour into my shift I felt about as fucked as a porn star doing DVDA. Managed to get the Supervisor to grab some Panadol for me from sick bay, followed by my brother rolling around to poke fun at me for being a sissy. Good times. I knew that this was either the worst of it, or just the beginning. What do you think it was?

Saturday I could barely drag myself out of bed. Sore throat? Check. Fucked up head? Check. Blocked nose? Check. I could barely breathe, barely open my eyes, barely able to move. I actually woke up a bit before 10am, but managed to pull myself out of bed no sooner than midday. I went against the Panadol instructions, and took far more than recommended. This particular range of Panadol was the highest strength you can get, in fact it's actually meant for arthritic pain and each dose is meant to last 8 hours (as opposed to standard Panadol's 3-4 hours). I had one dose soon after I got out of bed, but before I went out to Minh's place for the barbecue I popped another 2 doses. For the record, I'm not a big fan of medicating myself and, if I don't need to go out of the house, I'm quite fine with being in pain and looking disgusting. However when you need to go out into the world and see people or work your stupid shift then there's little other choice than to grab some pills and take what you need to get by as normal as can be.

The downside is that Saturday night I was more less out of it while we hung out, ate, played games, and watched a movie.

So we arrive at today (technically yesterday) where I woke up feeling slightly better. High five. I was meant to go out and see Emina today but I didn't really feel that up to it, although it'd be nice to meet her man and see their child! But the last thing I want to do is go there all zombified and leave with everyone possibly catching whatever I have. There's always next week, anyway.

For now I feel crap. Half my week was made awful by this sickness. I'm probably still going to be feeling it tomorrow (today?) which is going to make my day at work that much worse. Not that any day at work is actually good. Actually, not that any day anywhere is good. Whatever.

I just push on from day to day, hoping that one day all these symbols ring true again. For now it's just 1 from 4, and it isn't a good one.

I miss her.

I still do.

Everyday I wear a fake smile, put on a false laugh, and feign enthusiasm so that everyone thinks I'm strong.

But I miss that girl. More than any eloquently written phrase could ever convey. I miss her, and the pain runs deep. Nothing I do helps.

Epiphany-licious

There are certain times after I've had one of my moments where I look back and consider that perhaps I was a bit too overdramatic. That what seemed to ring true at the time would slowly chime itself out into nothingness as I slowly realised that things weren't like that.

However sometimes things happen afterward that strike the bell once more and reaffirm past realisations of a rather unrighteous feeling.

Long story short? I've been depressed lately, but through the power of mindless work and awesome friends I've been able to maintain a positive facade. Feigning sunshine on the outside whilst inside a tumultuous battle rages on in the darkness. Now the facade I worked so hard to put up is gone again. Just like that.

At work yesterday I nearly broke down several times.
Last night I refused to go out with my friends (although they didn't end up going out in the end anyway).
Today I have cancelled plans to see Shashi's parents again.

I'm meant to be going out tonight and tomorrow, but right now I honestly don't know if I will (or can). I should since it's meant to cheer me up on some level, I just wish it'd fix everything. Even time is failing to heal these wounds.

What do I do?

Tattoo Taboo

So I'm getting my tattoo done this Tuesday morning. After booking it I just couldn't wait for the day to come for getting it done. Honestly. I would've got it done on Thursday when I booked it if it wasn't already so late in the day. But yeah, only 2 more sleeps and off I got to leave another mark on my body. Which brings me to my next rambling point.

My friends are kind of wtf about my tattoo. They keep trying to talk me out of it, and I don't really get it. For a lot of people tattoos seem like this thing that they all want to get, but since it's permanent and they can't really decide on what they want they don't do it. In the case of my friends they also try to convince me not to do it. But they failed.

The way I see it, tattoos aren't that much different from birth marks or scars. The only difference is that I choose when I get a tattoo, what it looks like, and where it goes. But just like all the scars I have, this tattoo tells a story, or has a meaning. It's important to me. I imagine that if I were a religious person that I'd get some holy message from the Quran, but I'm not. There are only a few things I truly believe in, or strive for, or feel. All things that I know first hand, and all things that are real. This first tattoo is the thing I try to believe in the most. The thing that I try the hardest to fight for, and achieve. It's also something I've lost, something that I miss. Something that isn't coming back to me.

There are some things I need to do before I go. These tattoos are one of those things.

Uncapped

and on the loose!

My tattoo plan has been scaled back because I currently have $4000 on loan to my brother since he's strapped for cash and the bank is rorting him. I never imagined that I'd see the day where my brother, a good 14 years older than me, would ever need my help for anything. Like, yeah maybe shifting furniture, various other heavy lifting, and so on. But money? That much money? Crazy.

But yes, about the tattoos. Seeing as Andreya's tatt was about $80, and the ones I'm getting are a tad more intricate, I'm just assuming that it's going to cost more. Possibly a lot more. So instead of getting all 7 symbols done at once (which off the top of my head might end up costing $500-700 or more) I'll just be getting the one to start with. It's the only word of the 4 that consists of a single symbol and it's the one I've wanted to get since the beginning.

I'm not looking forward to my parents' reaction. But really, it's permanent so what are they going to do about it? Nag me to death probably.

The other day I had my uncle go off on a tangent about how I need to get married and so on. Not only is my dad trying to feed this shit to me but now he asks his brother to join in. Like I'm going to ignore my dad and then listen to my uncle? And he's all like "if you can't talk to your father about it you can talk to me." What? If I don't want to get married and I'm not even seeking out my dad's help what makes him think I'm going to go to anyone else for it? Nonsense.

No one really gets it. I found a beautiful and smart girl that loved me and that I loved who was the anti-thesis of all the crap my dad has tried to feed me over the past 6 years. A girl too good to be true. Then I lost her.

I keep a straight face so no one sees the pain being felt,
my heart still reeling from the blow it's been dealt.

I tried so hard

Can't seem to get away from misery.

Going on nearly 2 months now and I still can't get to sleep easily. I struggle to fall asleep, which results in me sleeping very late. Then I wake up early. 99% of the time I wake up with swollen hands from the way I sleep. I don't know how I sleep that's any different, but it must be something I guess.

I try to listen to everyone's advice. Just forget about it, don't think about it, occupy yourself with something else. I try hard but I can't get out of this position that I've found myself in. I spend everyday hiding in my shell, hoping that the pain will leave me and that I can just get on with things and it'll be like normal. It's not working.

I DJ, write lyrics, play video games, go out for an all-nighter each weekend. I have my family and friends beside me. The armour I wear now is old, for 3 years I didn't need it, but now I wonder how it worked before. I look back and wonder how I managed to do this for so long and so well. I left myself too open for too long and now it's too hard to close up shop.

Maybe sleeping pills will help with my sleeping problem. Too bad there's nothing to help with the rest. =/

Epiphany

Definition one, a sudden moment of insight or a revelation.

I think I may have mentioned in my last post that I had a moment while working out in the shed. Like I realised some things, things that never really occurred to me until just then while I was out there. Then they form the hook of my sad story.

I'm not even really sure what I was meant to be posting about in particular. I've only gotten an hour or two of sleep since yesterday so maybe I'm a bit out of it even though I feel ok. I just don't know where my train of thought has gone or what my purpose was meant to be...

I don't know.

I question things now, and I don't like the answers that I find. The reality of it all is just awful. I do what I can to not think about it, but it's hard. Really hard. sigh Oh well.

What I'm trying to work on now (or maybe once I'm uncapped) is finding a good quality picture of the Kanji for the word love that looks pretty. Then off the top of my head there are 3 more words I want to find nice art of. As usual details are slim cause I don't want to alert too many people to what I want to do.

Ok just thinking about my revelations and vaguely talking about them is making me feel ill. So I'm going to try and get to sleep.

I imagine it's going to be hard =/

Sad Story

Tentative title of one of my songs. I had a good 15-20minute revelation while working out today, and now I just thought about it some more and managed to kick out a chorus in the space of about 10 or 15 minutes. For me that is very much an explosion of writing that came from almost nowhere. I wasn't even expecting a song today but there it came (partially). The title may change, but so far I don't think the chorus will (at least it won't deviate entirely from the theme).

Also throwing around a new album title. Thematically it's very similar to the current title, or so I think it is. I'm not sure if I could crank a 2nd album out to that theme. We'll see though. The writing I did today has really kind of pumped me up to be able to do the rest. Although there are things I want to do and present first.

My plan is to let the people hear me doing:
*Someone else's work that was done this way already;
*Someone else's work that wasn't meant to be done this way; and finally
*Me.

The road I travel is tough, it is perilous. But as long as I keep going I can get it done before I'm out of time!

Can't sleep, clown'll eat me

Ok maybe the clown won't eat me, but I can't sleep anyways. I've been in bed for the past 45minutes and the only thing that went well was my heart pounding in my chest. I guess that's not really going well then, is it? No. So nothing went well, actually.

More lyrics get added to the lyric pad. The really sad part is that I'm not making the stuff up. This isn't some urban legend that I heard at school. It's not some story I heard through a friend of a friend. I find it ever so slightly ironic that these solemn phrases might entertain someone.

Like if I lay it on a dope beat, and spit well these words from my head.
Then someone might move their feet, all 'cause I couldn't fall asleep in bed.

And there you just got some more from the lyric pad of one Mr. Rufati, that guy who's a bit rough and arty. Also known, of course, as the Scholastic Workhorse, he's here to try start the party.

There I unintentionally gave you more... That wasn't on the lyric pad, but it is now. I think if I really put my nose down to the grindstone that I can crank out at least a verse or chorus each day or two. Although I don't really want to rush or force it. I just take notes as they come to me. But by the end of the month I'm hoping to have at least one song all written up so that I can practice the rest of the production. No point having a bunch of songs written only to find that I'm really bad at doing the music and piecing it all together. Although listening to songs like Ambitionz Az A Ridah make it seem like I can get away with really minimalist backing for the tracks. Just a nice beat and a slight melody. The one thing I really want to avoid is using someone else's instrumental because then I have to make my lyrics fit into it, unless of course I can slice it up. We'll see.

I'll also have to ask Coley if she or Otto would be willing to help with making the album cover. I have an idea in my head of what I want it to be, but I don't want to photoshop it up myself if I can get someone with better skills to pull it off.

Final words of wisdom? Depression sucks. If you ever find someone who makes you happy, and you make them happy, and you both love eachother, then fight for it. Fight as hard and long as you can. Because if you have someone who will ride out the storm with you, that is most definitely worth fighting for.

Now it's time to try sleep. Again. Wish me luck.

Muzak 'n' Lyrics

You know I thought it'd be hard to write original lyrics for myself. I know I've written original stuff before, but that was more-often-than-not to the beat and count of a song that already existed. A lot of the times it was just swapping out the syllables with other words that fit and make sense. More of a parody than original writing, I guess.

But now that I've kind of narrowed down and focused on the theme of these tracks, it's oddly kind of easy to write bits and pieces here and there. Not one of the songs is complete but there are about 5 or 6, and one miscellaneous lyric pad that I have for just random things that don't really have their place yet. If anything, rap lyrics remind me a lot of writing poetry, although the imagery and other techniques I use are probably a lot more literal and amateurish than most other rappers. But I'm trying. It's just so surprising how easy it is to just spin off on all these ideas and themes because they're things that've I know or have gone through or have lived.

The other thing I want to talk about is how people say that time heals all wounds. I've just finished playing through the Wolverine game on 360, and it was cool to see him heal super fast in real-time. It brings me back to a time where I wish I had powers like that, to feel invincible or unstoppable. Because now I sit here and hope for those same powers again. Physically and mentally I'm as good as it gets, maybe even better than I've been before. But emotionally I just feel ill. It's been nearly 2 months (ok more like 6 weeks) and it hasn't gotten any easier. I try my hardest to just get through each day without breaking down, the days roll into a week, the weeks into fortnights, then this fortress that my heart resides in comes tumbling down. Afterward I'm left sobbing to myself in my room, or in bed, the car, whereever. All the strength inside that I can muster seems to be for nothing when the exterior is little more than a sand castle. An exterior that may as well be a canvas painting of sandstone for all the protection it provides. I try to tread gently, but once I falter (as humans tend to) and step down too harshly it all comes tumbling down around me.

Today I posted some of my lyrics as my FaceBook status. Oddly enough they evoked a message of friendship from my good friend Toan. The same Toan who, not long ago, thought that it wasn't worth it to keep this friendship going. Now that I'm back home and we've hung out he's seen that nothing's changed, really. At a time in my life where I needed my friends more than ever, one of them quit. Now that I need them even more, he's back.

Any relationship - be it family, friend, or romantic - that is great and true will last always. There will be times when the path we tread is harsh, with many obstacles to test us. We may fight, we may disagree, we may decide that we're no longer worth each other's time. But good love is hard to find, and for all the differences that 2 people may have, love can shut them down. I have mad love for my friends. The FFLD boys. Some FFLD girls. Because they stick by me even when shit gets bad.

True friends, people who love you, they're few and far between. People who, when the shit hits the fan, will be covered in as much shit as you while you both stand strong. People who, when you're up shit creek without a paddle, will dive in with you to help you out.

I love my friends. So before I go, there are some things I need to do.

Rufi out.

Family Business

So today was very much a family oriented day, at least after work it was anyway. Went to DeNiro's after work for Merita's birthday dinner thing, it's just this little pizzeria underneath the gym near my house. Food was good! Nice to kind of see both my brothers for a bit, so that was fun.

After that Sanela and I went off to Parra to see Emina at work, but we ended up seeing Enisa as well! So we hung out for I don't know how long. We were in the hotel lobby thing for a while and Emina made us some drinks. They were called poison o_o it was like green cordial with some kind of alcohol. It was interesting. I don't think I'll ever be a big drinker, but it can't hurt to try something besides Coca-Cola. After that we went to CityExtra, I think the place was called, for some way-over-priced food and pretty dodgy service. But who cares. I can barely remember the last time I saw Emina or Enisa. It's too bad Edina wasn't there as well, otherwise it would've been a complete reunion! I'll also have to find Edin and Admir for hanging out possibly some time.

Been thinking my rap project. I think for the first stage of it I really need to work on the lyrics. Like I might need to re-word some of it to make it work for a rap. Maybe something on the order of 5 or so songs so that I don't try to go too overboard and only end up having more work than I can actually do. Also thinking that I might need to buy FruityLoops so that when stage two hits I can then work on beat slicing the instrumental tracks to work for raps.

But before all that even starts I want to at least record me rapping a song that is already a rap just to gauge how good I think I am and possibly how good other people think I am! Just doing karaoke with my friends and talking to Nathan at work about it, I feel like my confidence is building up.

But for now I is so tired. There's nothing quite like a boring job coupled with a consistent lack of sleep to take a lot out of you. All I try to do is make the weekend count! AND RIP SHIT UP!

And now it is time for le bed.

rapz 4 men

I think I've decided on my first rap-based project. I won't give any details out yet though. I also have an idea of what I want to do for my first DJ project as well. I want to do, like, a word transition mix. Where I take a key word that's common between songs and mix from one song to the next on that word.

For example. Going from the Spice Girls' song Wannabe and the Bone Thugs track Friends.
I'd play the If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends friends friends friends, how many of us have them, friends friends friends friends ones you can depend on.

And so on. The only problem is going through my slightly-less-than-encyclopaedic knowledge of song lyrics in order to build a list of music that I can transition from one to the next in that style. I'm worried that it might not work as well as I imagine it will, but I'm finding that setting goals is really helping me feel more motivated than normal.

So for now my tentatively titled projects are rapz 4 men and DJ Word Smith.

I either buy my gear this weekend, or order it next week if I can't make it to the city over the weekend. Or if I can't be bothered. They gave me a discount of about $150 for the setup and I can get a better price going in-store so I think I will do that! Otherwise I'll just get it online because the quoted price includes the shipping cost. After this I can't really envision myself needing to make anymore big purchases besides the synth keyboard, but then that can wait. There's still my car (preferably a Supra! But I might get a Celica depending on money), my globe-trotting action, and possibly some local travel.

But we'll see. I'm out.

Oh and I'm rock climbing on Saturday as well. HOO!

Hey Mr. DJ!

This week or possibly I will be investing in some CrazySexyCool DJ gear. With the help of my friend Stuy and a guy at the DJ Store I've pretty much picked out what I'm going to be getting. And it's expensive O_O;;

But so what.

Work's been good. I've been talking to the guy who feeds the board into my machine and he's pretty cool. I told him about my ambition to learn to DJ and that I like to rap as well and apparently he's into the same kind of stuff! He saw Bone Thugs at the Snoop Dogg concert last year or whenever it was which sounded cool. Him and his mate used to spenda Friday/Saturday back in the day getting pissed and writing/laying down rap vocals over a beat over the course of a few hours. So lately with the karaoke I've been doing, and hearing about what he used to do, it's like I feel some more confidence within myself to pull this stuff off.

So if the people think what I put out is decent then I might ask Engin if I can try have a guest spot on his next album xD

For now I'm just really really really le tired. I've contacted Nicole and Rob asking if they'd be interesting in designing a site template/layout for me. Right now the details are all up in my head and I don't want to give anything out for fear of domains and names being taken.

The tiredness isn't helped by a 10am call from the agency to confirm that I'm going to work today. Jeez. They know I'm usually overtiming it till 2am, but they call me so early anyways! Shit's ridiculous.

What to do...

What do you do when you miss someone,
but they don't miss you.
When you want to be with them,
but they don't want to.
So she could make her decision,
we took a recess.
Now her mind is made up,
and my heart is in pieces.

What to do? D:

After having not really spoken to me for the better part of 3 weeks I get an e-mail saying, in short, that it's over between us. What else can go wrong now? It's like all the things I was scared of are slowly coming to fruition. I was scared she wouldn't want to see me while she was down, then she didn't. I was scared that she wouldn't even want to talk to me, and now she's not. I was scared of losing my best friend, and now it feels like I have.

So now I don't really know what to do.

At the end of the year, depending on how much money I have saved, I am going to go and do some globe trotting. Europe, Japan, and America at least. After that I don't know. I just figure that it can't hurt to go out and do something crazy, even despite all the scary shit you read about in the news or whatever. I have an idea of what I might do when I get back, but I'm not 100% sure of it just yet so we'll see what happens.

Funny to think that my plan was to at least take her or send her to Japan. Now I'm going to be heading away by myself.

I saw Minh last night, and Zehra this morning. My brother didn't give me overtime for the first time in 3 weeks I've been working, so that was a miracle almost. Zehra keeps complaining about how I dog her whenever she wants to see me so she came by this morning and woke me up and I hung out with her outside for a bit. Her daughter is petrified of me now because she told her I was a doctor so that she wouldn't say anything to her parents about seeing me =p cause she doesn't like to talk about going to the doctors but otherwise she's a very honest little 3 year old. Kind of like family security I guess.

Tomorrow I might be going with Minh to get some stuff from MSY. I need speakers and I might be getting him a birthday present as well. Then Friday night I might be taking Andreya out, she hasn't really decided yet whether she wants a Friday night fooding or a Saturday shopping adventure. Saturday night is, as usual, FFLD BOYZ (and girlfriends [of which I have none now]) night out. Probably the driving range again, then food, and either karaoke or rock-climbing. Or both.

I think Minh's happy to have me back, what with my I don't give a shit where we go or what we do cause I only get one night out with you guys and I need to make it count! attitude. When everyday is a lazy day and I can talk to my friends whenever it's not really such a big deal. Now it's only one night of the week that we all get the opportunity to converge and be merry, so every week I take that opportunity and I grab it. 3 years ago a fun time for us would've been just going to Rob's place and playing XBOX for a couple hours. That's still a fun time for us =p cause we're all slightly computer/game-nerdy, but then going out -no matter where we go or what we do- is awesome with my friends alongside me.

Especially during this time of my life, where most of the time all I feel is devastated. To be honest nothing helps. Not talking about it, not going out and having fun, not spending copious amounts of money. At best, it's just a small distraction for a few hours.

After all I've been through with Shashi, I can say that I have only one thing that I will always regret. That's walking away from, letting go of, and losing the best thing to ever happen to me.

Rufi out.

Bad Dreams

-Busta Rhymes

That's like all I have now. Bad sleeps and bad dreams.

When you think about it, most people will spend the majority of their lives complaining about having to share a room. Sharing their things. I always shared a room with either my brothers or my sister, and for ages I'm pretty sure we all just wanted space of our own. All that time that we wait to be on our own, and all for what?

I met someone who I shared practically everything in my life with. Money, space, a bed, car, internets, everything! I guess being alone is alright. For a long time it seems like what most people want. Unfortunately for me I found someone who rocked my world, who has got me to do things that I thought I might never do. Now that she's gone my life feels... Meh.

Now I go back to way things used to be before her. All alone. Putting on a happy face so that everyone close to me suspects nothing. Even if they knew I was feeling down they wouldn't care. My family is bad like that. All the things I do, all the ways I feel, they're not want my family wants for me.

I earn more money than my brother. I have great food for every meal of the day. I actually get to see my friends every now and then. But that special someone is missing.

I don't know what to do.

Ok I should go eat now and have a decent dinner at least before bed. Shopping tomorrow, *unenthusiastic HOO*

Better Days

-TQ

Well yesterday wasn't too great. I managed to finally get a good night's sleep, but had to get up earlier than I would have liked because Hame wanted me to come along and watch Murat play soccer and then we were going to get me some steel cap boots for work. The shop that sells them was closed so we didn't. So that was a bust.

The whole Shashi ignoring me thing still went on, until later in the day when she called to let me know Steggles' car got broken into and my old PC tower got stolen. The only thing in there that I really cared about getting was the harddrive, and right now I feel pretty stupid for not just taking out the harddrive when I left and bringing it with me. All the programs and music and other stuff on there can be replaced, but there were a lot of things that can't. Old chat logs is what I wanted from it, but they're gone now. Maybe old photos, too, but hopefully I moved them to my external and didn't leave anything behind. It's scary to think that maybe some of my personal information or photos or something might still be on there. I can't do anything about it though, since it's out of my hands =/

She called me again not long after to let me know they were going to swing by and give me my stuff. I thought maybe that meant we'd hang out at least for a little while. That wasn't the case. She just came, gave me a hug, gave me my stuff, and left. My dad wasn't home so I thought she'd at least want to say to my mum and sister, and it was my niece's birthday, but she didn't want to come in at all. Who knows if she's even going to want to spend a day with me while she's down. I start work tomorrow so the only time I'd be free would be next weekend. At least she's having fun, I guess. There's nothing I can really do if she doesn't want to see me, and ignores me. She must have her reasons, but I don't know what they are. I wonder if I should still look forward to spending a day with her, only because she promised she would before I left. We'll see.

Following that shitty moment of my day, I spent a while moping around on the PC as per usual. Later on I ended up going out with Andreya to Maccas and Krispy Kreme where we ate little burgers and shared some chips before getting a coffee and donut each. Good times! It was nice to just spend a couple hours or whatever hanging out and talking about stuff. I'm hoping I'll get a chance to see the guys some time soon as well, because I haven't yet! Rob, Minh, John, Bang, all working. Everyone's busy.

So that concluded the night. She dropped me off at home around midnight where I then proceeded to chug down another can of Coke (after a Coke at Maccas and a coffee at KK's) before heading off to bed. It'll be nice if I get to hang out with Andreya and my other friends often while I'm down. I also saw Shinal at K-Mart and said hi, so I think I'll have to go there again and see if I can get her number so we can arrange to hang out when we have the time!

Fun Fact: Shinal and I have known each other since we were 7! We were in the same class every years at primary school, and in most of the same classes at high school!

It's really surreal to be back home. To have all my stuff here in my room, a room that hasn't really been mine for almost 3 years. It's not like all the other times where I have a bag or suitcase of stuff. It's not like I'm only going to be here for 3-7 days before I head back up to QLD. All my shit is here now, I'm going to be here for a long time, and I know I've said before that the reality really sunk in when Shashi told me she wanted me gone, but... I think that it's only really started to sink in just now. Andreya and I went to the same Maccas that Rob and Minh took me to last time I was down, and I spent a lot of the time just staring outside and just thinking about how last time it was just 3 days and I was gone. Now I'm here for 6 months, maybe more, maybe less, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I know now I have a job, and I'm close to all my friends and family again. It's nice to be around the people I love, and that love me. There's just a piece missing. A part of me that feels empty now.

It's not something that I can just fill up with family, friends, or money. There's just nothing I can do about it.

Just Don't Have a Clue

-Jaheim

Well now I feel a bit silly =/ I think maybe she didn't block me, but was just ignoring me. For some reason. I don't know.

How do I know this?

I called her parents to let them know about my job situation and they told me that Shashi had made it to Sydney safe and sound. So it was good to hear that she was ok!

I'm just confused about why she ignored me.

And there I got interrupted for the better part of half an hour while my brother wanted to see how the XBOX360 can stream movies and stuff from a PC. Great.

So my train of thought has been completely destroyed! I'll finish this post here otherwise I think I'd just start repeating what was said at the beginning.

Sigh. I miss that girl.

Better Start Talking

-Donell Jones

So I'm home after having been to the agency this morning to sign up for work. That went well, although I didn't think that getting job would involve studying and tests. So after being sleep deprived again I went to the agency, spent a good 2-3 hours filling up forms and taking tests, and then went home. I'm tired.

I might also be starting work as soon as Monday, so hooray for me? I guess.

Yesterday was kind of a crappy day for me. I spent most of the day worrying if Shashi was ok since she wasn't online. It's just something I do and I can't help it. I worry about my sister if she goes out late, I used to worry about Andreya walking home from school on her own, I worry about Shashi when she disappears. But what I didn't know was that Shashi was just ignoring me.

I didn't think she'd do something like that. Well, I figured that it was always a possibility that she might want to ignore me completely but I thought that she'd at least inform me beforehand. That way I wouldn't have to worry about her like I did.

But what can I do?

I don't know if she just wants space, or if she's angry with me. I tried contacting her but I've been ignored on all accounts and so it's pretty clear that this is something she really wants to do and I can't do anything about it. It's harder being ignored now than while I was up there, at least I could go and talk to her in person to see if it was something she wanted to talk about or not. Here I can't do anything =/

At least I hope whatever she's doing is making her happy.

Sydney Rain

So I got back home yesterday (Wednesday) at 3am after having left the Gold Coast at 5pm on Tuesday. Yes I did the drive in one fell swoop. Well, I almost did. About 6 hours in I stopped off at the Port Macquarie Service Center to get petrol and Maccas. Then after contemplating whether I would sleep for a bit or go on I was back on the road with only 4 hours to go. I made some videos along the way with my digital camera, although the picture is awful because it was dark as could be outside and even with the lights on in the car it wasn't too great. If you ever heard me in those videos, you'd swear that I was high on something and buzzed the fuck out - but I wasn't. I was depressed, lonely, and talking to myself. Spending 10 hours driving away from the girl that I love is one of the most emotionally painful things I've had to endure. In recent memory there is only one other thing that made me feel a deep sadness, and that was while I was 16 and the reality of my Uncle's death 6 years earlier had finally sunk in. The realisation that he would never be a part of my life even though I was very much like him. He would never be there for me to talk to then I needed it. He would never be there for anyone. Ever. That revelation hit home incredibly and, even now that I'm 23, it saddens me to think or write about it. I am not trying to downplay the impact his death has had on me, but the pain I feel about having lost him is eclipsed by the pain of losing Shashi.

My heart is broken, with a missing Shashi-shaped piece leaving me unable to put it back together. She made me the happiest man ever, was my best friend, and had more of a positive impact on my life than anyone before.

While talking to Minh (one of my best friends, known him since I was 12) he got annoyed and said that he felt like I didn't want to be here. He was right. The circumstances that have no caused me to be back home are exactly why I'm not happy. It's not like we worked things out and I was just coming down to work and save up some money to have a nicer life when I go back. I'm back home because she wants to be alone, and I'm going to be working for the sake of it and to pass time. There is some happiness to be had here while seeing my family (although as much as I love my family, they are already driving me insane) and friends, but the sadness I feel is overwhelming.

My Wednesday was spent sleeping in the car very uncomfortably for 2-3 hours before coming inside to surprise my mum, and later in the day Hame and I took all of my stuff out of the car. I let people who care about me know that I made it safe and sound and that I was still alive. I also set up my computer so that I could talk to my friends. Not the most exciting day.

This morning after about 5 hours sleep I was off to the city in order to return the rental car. It was a bit confusing getting to the place but I got there in the end. The real trouble started when I had to walk to the train station because it was pouring with rain. After ignoring the Hertz clerk's advice on getting to the Museum station I made my way for Central or Town Hall. Only I got lost. I went the wrong way down Oxford Street past all the adult stuff. It was the first time I saw a bondage clothing store with their wares displayed on mannequins in the front window. I also saw a sign for a place called the Lick-Her Shop which I thought was a clever word play and so I wanted to see what was in the shop. Problem. The entrance was around the corner from where the sign was displayed. Around the corner led into an alley. I've seen far too much scary things in TV dramas to willingly walk into a place like that by myself. Unless I want to end up in a tub of ice with a mobile phone and a missing kidney. The whole reason I wanted to take a look was because it made me think of Shashi. Anyway once I found out I was going the wrong way I turned around and in about 10-15 minutes I was at Central Station waiting for my train home. Unfortunately Sydney trains rekindle memories of the pain of letting go of Shashi after 3 days of holding onto her knowing I wouldn't be with her again until another 5 weeks passed. I hate goodbyes.

Some time during that walk from the car rental place to the station I called Shashi's house to let her parents know that I returned the car and everything was ok. Unfortunately it was hard for me to talk to her very much because I miss Shashi and her family.

After the train ride I was back in Fairfield and walking my way back home again. Since then I haven't done much. I haven't done anything really. Tomorrow morning I have to go a job agency so that I can start getting casual work from Visy and, consequently, raking in the money. Only I don't care about the money. I'm happy to make financial sacrifices and be poor with her than to be rich on my own.

So there you have it, the first 2 days at home in blog post form. Rufi is done for now.

New blog. Old story.

If you've been following my past 2 personal blogs then you know my story. Although if you haven't yet then you're probably not going to anytime soon. They run a total of about 500-600 posts dating back to mid-2004 and chronicle the happenings and goings-on of the 5 or so years that follow. So let me highlight a few of the bigger headlines.

At the end of 2005 I was in a long distance relationship that had been steadily heading downhill when the planets aligned and I met a girl who would slowly become a big part of my life. The crazy part is that I only found her by playing World of Warcraft, after joining the guild run by the sister of her boyfriend at the time. We discovered eachother on the guild forums, and from there we hit up MSN. For the next 6 months or so we spent nearly everyday talking to eachother, becoming closer and closer.

On May 11th, 2006, I became a very happy man. All that time spent talking, flirting, and playing WoW culminated in the both of us falling in love. It was on this particular day that I asked if she'd be mine and she accepted. Soon after she came down to visit me for 11 days (the best 11 days ever) and after that she'd come to see me every 5 weeks for 3 days at a time. This went on for a few months, until...

My life at home with the family was getting worse. Things had been on the decline since I was 14, but it only started getting really problematic while I was in my last years of highschool. I won't go into specifics here, but it all took quite the toll on me. So in November of 2006 I finally hardened up and directly disobeyed my father instead of tip-toe'ing around everything he wanted me to do and then I ran away from home to be with the girl I loved. The time that followed would end up being the happiest time of my life (I also did really well at University for the first time).

Until the end of 2008, where I think she started getting annoyed at some of the things I did (or didn't) do. I didn't really know it at the time, but I was making her upset. The problem was that she kept on not wanting to make me upset, and so if she ever let me know she was upset/annoyed it would be soon followed by her telling me it was ok. It was hard for me to tell if she was actually upset or not.

Then almost 4 months ago she told me that she wanted to have a break. From eachother. For all intents and purposes the relationship seemed like it was over (even if it was only temporary). There were no more affectionate hugs or cuddles. No more kissing or holding hands. No more massages. We shared a bed but there was a empty space in the middle where lovers once held eachother. In the weeks and months that followed, some of that intimacy returned and slightly eased my fears of it being over for good. From almost ignoring eachother we got to being almost like a couple again, until she asked me to leave so that she could be alone for the rest of the year. My heart broke.

So a few weeks of packing a preparation followed by a 10 hour drive, and here I am. Back home where it all began. My dad was shitty with me before I even got down here. My mum does the same old thing where she gets herself angry talking about stuff in the past. My sister-in-law is a pain, she told her kids that I was sneaking away from Shashi (I knew I had to use her name eventually) which really pisses me off. It hurt when my nephew asked me, loudly and proudly, "are you sneaking away from Shashi?!" Because I would never do that. Sigh.

So that is the rough outline of my story. There are probably little things I don't remember. Maybe other things that I just don't want to mention. But it's enough for anyone who can bother reading this first post to grasp what has gone on in my life, and what's happening from now on. So as with any major change in my life, I start a new blog to tell a new story. It's also fitting that a part of my hometown highschool students' vocabulary involves telling people to "take it home" when you are displeased with them. As my friends would say...

Take it home, Rufi, take it home