Can't seem to get away from misery.
Going on nearly 2 months now and I still can't get to sleep easily. I struggle to fall asleep, which results in me sleeping very late. Then I wake up early. 99% of the time I wake up with swollen hands from the way I sleep. I don't know how I sleep that's any different, but it must be something I guess.
I try to listen to everyone's advice. Just forget about it, don't think about it, occupy yourself with something else. I try hard but I can't get out of this position that I've found myself in. I spend everyday hiding in my shell, hoping that the pain will leave me and that I can just get on with things and it'll be like normal. It's not working.
I DJ, write lyrics, play video games, go out for an all-nighter each weekend. I have my family and friends beside me. The armour I wear now is old, for 3 years I didn't need it, but now I wonder how it worked before. I look back and wonder how I managed to do this for so long and so well. I left myself too open for too long and now it's too hard to close up shop.
Maybe sleeping pills will help with my sleeping problem. Too bad there's nothing to help with the rest. =/
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Epiphany
Definition one, a sudden moment of insight or a revelation.
I think I may have mentioned in my last post that I had a moment while working out in the shed. Like I realised some things, things that never really occurred to me until just then while I was out there. Then they form the hook of my sad story.
I'm not even really sure what I was meant to be posting about in particular. I've only gotten an hour or two of sleep since yesterday so maybe I'm a bit out of it even though I feel ok. I just don't know where my train of thought has gone or what my purpose was meant to be...
I don't know.
I question things now, and I don't like the answers that I find. The reality of it all is just awful. I do what I can to not think about it, but it's hard. Really hard. sigh Oh well.
What I'm trying to work on now (or maybe once I'm uncapped) is finding a good quality picture of the Kanji for the word love that looks pretty. Then off the top of my head there are 3 more words I want to find nice art of. As usual details are slim cause I don't want to alert too many people to what I want to do.
Ok just thinking about my revelations and vaguely talking about them is making me feel ill. So I'm going to try and get to sleep.
I imagine it's going to be hard =/
I think I may have mentioned in my last post that I had a moment while working out in the shed. Like I realised some things, things that never really occurred to me until just then while I was out there. Then they form the hook of my sad story.
I'm not even really sure what I was meant to be posting about in particular. I've only gotten an hour or two of sleep since yesterday so maybe I'm a bit out of it even though I feel ok. I just don't know where my train of thought has gone or what my purpose was meant to be...
I don't know.
I question things now, and I don't like the answers that I find. The reality of it all is just awful. I do what I can to not think about it, but it's hard. Really hard. sigh Oh well.
What I'm trying to work on now (or maybe once I'm uncapped) is finding a good quality picture of the Kanji for the word love that looks pretty. Then off the top of my head there are 3 more words I want to find nice art of. As usual details are slim cause I don't want to alert too many people to what I want to do.
Ok just thinking about my revelations and vaguely talking about them is making me feel ill. So I'm going to try and get to sleep.
I imagine it's going to be hard =/
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Sad Story
Tentative title of one of my songs. I had a good 15-20minute revelation while working out today, and now I just thought about it some more and managed to kick out a chorus in the space of about 10 or 15 minutes. For me that is very much an explosion of writing that came from almost nowhere. I wasn't even expecting a song today but there it came (partially). The title may change, but so far I don't think the chorus will (at least it won't deviate entirely from the theme).
Also throwing around a new album title. Thematically it's very similar to the current title, or so I think it is. I'm not sure if I could crank a 2nd album out to that theme. We'll see though. The writing I did today has really kind of pumped me up to be able to do the rest. Although there are things I want to do and present first.
My plan is to let the people hear me doing:
*Someone else's work that was done this way already;
*Someone else's work that wasn't meant to be done this way; and finally
*Me.
The road I travel is tough, it is perilous. But as long as I keep going I can get it done before I'm out of time!
Also throwing around a new album title. Thematically it's very similar to the current title, or so I think it is. I'm not sure if I could crank a 2nd album out to that theme. We'll see though. The writing I did today has really kind of pumped me up to be able to do the rest. Although there are things I want to do and present first.
My plan is to let the people hear me doing:
*Someone else's work that was done this way already;
*Someone else's work that wasn't meant to be done this way; and finally
*Me.
The road I travel is tough, it is perilous. But as long as I keep going I can get it done before I'm out of time!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Can't sleep, clown'll eat me
Ok maybe the clown won't eat me, but I can't sleep anyways. I've been in bed for the past 45minutes and the only thing that went well was my heart pounding in my chest. I guess that's not really going well then, is it? No. So nothing went well, actually.
More lyrics get added to the lyric pad. The really sad part is that I'm not making the stuff up. This isn't some urban legend that I heard at school. It's not some story I heard through a friend of a friend. I find it ever so slightly ironic that these solemn phrases might entertain someone.
Like if I lay it on a dope beat, and spit well these words from my head.
Then someone might move their feet, all 'cause I couldn't fall asleep in bed.
And there you just got some more from the lyric pad of one Mr. Rufati, that guy who's a bit rough and arty. Also known, of course, as the Scholastic Workhorse, he's here to try start the party.
There I unintentionally gave you more... That wasn't on the lyric pad, but it is now. I think if I really put my nose down to the grindstone that I can crank out at least a verse or chorus each day or two. Although I don't really want to rush or force it. I just take notes as they come to me. But by the end of the month I'm hoping to have at least one song all written up so that I can practice the rest of the production. No point having a bunch of songs written only to find that I'm really bad at doing the music and piecing it all together. Although listening to songs like Ambitionz Az A Ridah make it seem like I can get away with really minimalist backing for the tracks. Just a nice beat and a slight melody. The one thing I really want to avoid is using someone else's instrumental because then I have to make my lyrics fit into it, unless of course I can slice it up. We'll see.
I'll also have to ask Coley if she or Otto would be willing to help with making the album cover. I have an idea in my head of what I want it to be, but I don't want to photoshop it up myself if I can get someone with better skills to pull it off.
Final words of wisdom? Depression sucks. If you ever find someone who makes you happy, and you make them happy, and you both love eachother, then fight for it. Fight as hard and long as you can. Because if you have someone who will ride out the storm with you, that is most definitely worth fighting for.
Now it's time to try sleep. Again. Wish me luck.
More lyrics get added to the lyric pad. The really sad part is that I'm not making the stuff up. This isn't some urban legend that I heard at school. It's not some story I heard through a friend of a friend. I find it ever so slightly ironic that these solemn phrases might entertain someone.
Like if I lay it on a dope beat, and spit well these words from my head.
Then someone might move their feet, all 'cause I couldn't fall asleep in bed.
And there you just got some more from the lyric pad of one Mr. Rufati, that guy who's a bit rough and arty. Also known, of course, as the Scholastic Workhorse, he's here to try start the party.
There I unintentionally gave you more... That wasn't on the lyric pad, but it is now. I think if I really put my nose down to the grindstone that I can crank out at least a verse or chorus each day or two. Although I don't really want to rush or force it. I just take notes as they come to me. But by the end of the month I'm hoping to have at least one song all written up so that I can practice the rest of the production. No point having a bunch of songs written only to find that I'm really bad at doing the music and piecing it all together. Although listening to songs like Ambitionz Az A Ridah make it seem like I can get away with really minimalist backing for the tracks. Just a nice beat and a slight melody. The one thing I really want to avoid is using someone else's instrumental because then I have to make my lyrics fit into it, unless of course I can slice it up. We'll see.
I'll also have to ask Coley if she or Otto would be willing to help with making the album cover. I have an idea in my head of what I want it to be, but I don't want to photoshop it up myself if I can get someone with better skills to pull it off.
Final words of wisdom? Depression sucks. If you ever find someone who makes you happy, and you make them happy, and you both love eachother, then fight for it. Fight as hard and long as you can. Because if you have someone who will ride out the storm with you, that is most definitely worth fighting for.
Now it's time to try sleep. Again. Wish me luck.
Muzak 'n' Lyrics
You know I thought it'd be hard to write original lyrics for myself. I know I've written original stuff before, but that was more-often-than-not to the beat and count of a song that already existed. A lot of the times it was just swapping out the syllables with other words that fit and make sense. More of a parody than original writing, I guess.
But now that I've kind of narrowed down and focused on the theme of these tracks, it's oddly kind of easy to write bits and pieces here and there. Not one of the songs is complete but there are about 5 or 6, and one miscellaneous lyric pad that I have for just random things that don't really have their place yet. If anything, rap lyrics remind me a lot of writing poetry, although the imagery and other techniques I use are probably a lot more literal and amateurish than most other rappers. But I'm trying. It's just so surprising how easy it is to just spin off on all these ideas and themes because they're things that've I know or have gone through or have lived.
The other thing I want to talk about is how people say that time heals all wounds. I've just finished playing through the Wolverine game on 360, and it was cool to see him heal super fast in real-time. It brings me back to a time where I wish I had powers like that, to feel invincible or unstoppable. Because now I sit here and hope for those same powers again. Physically and mentally I'm as good as it gets, maybe even better than I've been before. But emotionally I just feel ill. It's been nearly 2 months (ok more like 6 weeks) and it hasn't gotten any easier. I try my hardest to just get through each day without breaking down, the days roll into a week, the weeks into fortnights, then this fortress that my heart resides in comes tumbling down. Afterward I'm left sobbing to myself in my room, or in bed, the car, whereever. All the strength inside that I can muster seems to be for nothing when the exterior is little more than a sand castle. An exterior that may as well be a canvas painting of sandstone for all the protection it provides. I try to tread gently, but once I falter (as humans tend to) and step down too harshly it all comes tumbling down around me.
Today I posted some of my lyrics as my FaceBook status. Oddly enough they evoked a message of friendship from my good friend Toan. The same Toan who, not long ago, thought that it wasn't worth it to keep this friendship going. Now that I'm back home and we've hung out he's seen that nothing's changed, really. At a time in my life where I needed my friends more than ever, one of them quit. Now that I need them even more, he's back.
Any relationship - be it family, friend, or romantic - that is great and true will last always. There will be times when the path we tread is harsh, with many obstacles to test us. We may fight, we may disagree, we may decide that we're no longer worth each other's time. But good love is hard to find, and for all the differences that 2 people may have, love can shut them down. I have mad love for my friends. The FFLD boys. Some FFLD girls. Because they stick by me even when shit gets bad.
True friends, people who love you, they're few and far between. People who, when the shit hits the fan, will be covered in as much shit as you while you both stand strong. People who, when you're up shit creek without a paddle, will dive in with you to help you out.
I love my friends. So before I go, there are some things I need to do.
Rufi out.
But now that I've kind of narrowed down and focused on the theme of these tracks, it's oddly kind of easy to write bits and pieces here and there. Not one of the songs is complete but there are about 5 or 6, and one miscellaneous lyric pad that I have for just random things that don't really have their place yet. If anything, rap lyrics remind me a lot of writing poetry, although the imagery and other techniques I use are probably a lot more literal and amateurish than most other rappers. But I'm trying. It's just so surprising how easy it is to just spin off on all these ideas and themes because they're things that've I know or have gone through or have lived.
The other thing I want to talk about is how people say that time heals all wounds. I've just finished playing through the Wolverine game on 360, and it was cool to see him heal super fast in real-time. It brings me back to a time where I wish I had powers like that, to feel invincible or unstoppable. Because now I sit here and hope for those same powers again. Physically and mentally I'm as good as it gets, maybe even better than I've been before. But emotionally I just feel ill. It's been nearly 2 months (ok more like 6 weeks) and it hasn't gotten any easier. I try my hardest to just get through each day without breaking down, the days roll into a week, the weeks into fortnights, then this fortress that my heart resides in comes tumbling down. Afterward I'm left sobbing to myself in my room, or in bed, the car, whereever. All the strength inside that I can muster seems to be for nothing when the exterior is little more than a sand castle. An exterior that may as well be a canvas painting of sandstone for all the protection it provides. I try to tread gently, but once I falter (as humans tend to) and step down too harshly it all comes tumbling down around me.
Today I posted some of my lyrics as my FaceBook status. Oddly enough they evoked a message of friendship from my good friend Toan. The same Toan who, not long ago, thought that it wasn't worth it to keep this friendship going. Now that I'm back home and we've hung out he's seen that nothing's changed, really. At a time in my life where I needed my friends more than ever, one of them quit. Now that I need them even more, he's back.
Any relationship - be it family, friend, or romantic - that is great and true will last always. There will be times when the path we tread is harsh, with many obstacles to test us. We may fight, we may disagree, we may decide that we're no longer worth each other's time. But good love is hard to find, and for all the differences that 2 people may have, love can shut them down. I have mad love for my friends. The FFLD boys. Some FFLD girls. Because they stick by me even when shit gets bad.
True friends, people who love you, they're few and far between. People who, when the shit hits the fan, will be covered in as much shit as you while you both stand strong. People who, when you're up shit creek without a paddle, will dive in with you to help you out.
I love my friends. So before I go, there are some things I need to do.
Rufi out.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Family Business
So today was very much a family oriented day, at least after work it was anyway. Went to DeNiro's after work for Merita's birthday dinner thing, it's just this little pizzeria underneath the gym near my house. Food was good! Nice to kind of see both my brothers for a bit, so that was fun.
After that Sanela and I went off to Parra to see Emina at work, but we ended up seeing Enisa as well! So we hung out for I don't know how long. We were in the hotel lobby thing for a while and Emina made us some drinks. They were called poison o_o it was like green cordial with some kind of alcohol. It was interesting. I don't think I'll ever be a big drinker, but it can't hurt to try something besides Coca-Cola. After that we went to CityExtra, I think the place was called, for some way-over-priced food and pretty dodgy service. But who cares. I can barely remember the last time I saw Emina or Enisa. It's too bad Edina wasn't there as well, otherwise it would've been a complete reunion! I'll also have to find Edin and Admir for hanging out possibly some time.
Been thinking my rap project. I think for the first stage of it I really need to work on the lyrics. Like I might need to re-word some of it to make it work for a rap. Maybe something on the order of 5 or so songs so that I don't try to go too overboard and only end up having more work than I can actually do. Also thinking that I might need to buy FruityLoops so that when stage two hits I can then work on beat slicing the instrumental tracks to work for raps.
But before all that even starts I want to at least record me rapping a song that is already a rap just to gauge how good I think I am and possibly how good other people think I am! Just doing karaoke with my friends and talking to Nathan at work about it, I feel like my confidence is building up.
But for now I is so tired. There's nothing quite like a boring job coupled with a consistent lack of sleep to take a lot out of you. All I try to do is make the weekend count! AND RIP SHIT UP!
And now it is time for le bed.
After that Sanela and I went off to Parra to see Emina at work, but we ended up seeing Enisa as well! So we hung out for I don't know how long. We were in the hotel lobby thing for a while and Emina made us some drinks. They were called poison o_o it was like green cordial with some kind of alcohol. It was interesting. I don't think I'll ever be a big drinker, but it can't hurt to try something besides Coca-Cola. After that we went to CityExtra, I think the place was called, for some way-over-priced food and pretty dodgy service. But who cares. I can barely remember the last time I saw Emina or Enisa. It's too bad Edina wasn't there as well, otherwise it would've been a complete reunion! I'll also have to find Edin and Admir for hanging out possibly some time.
Been thinking my rap project. I think for the first stage of it I really need to work on the lyrics. Like I might need to re-word some of it to make it work for a rap. Maybe something on the order of 5 or so songs so that I don't try to go too overboard and only end up having more work than I can actually do. Also thinking that I might need to buy FruityLoops so that when stage two hits I can then work on beat slicing the instrumental tracks to work for raps.
But before all that even starts I want to at least record me rapping a song that is already a rap just to gauge how good I think I am and possibly how good other people think I am! Just doing karaoke with my friends and talking to Nathan at work about it, I feel like my confidence is building up.
But for now I is so tired. There's nothing quite like a boring job coupled with a consistent lack of sleep to take a lot out of you. All I try to do is make the weekend count! AND RIP SHIT UP!
And now it is time for le bed.
Friday, August 7, 2009
rapz 4 men
I think I've decided on my first rap-based project. I won't give any details out yet though. I also have an idea of what I want to do for my first DJ project as well. I want to do, like, a word transition mix. Where I take a key word that's common between songs and mix from one song to the next on that word.
For example. Going from the Spice Girls' song Wannabe and the Bone Thugs track Friends.
I'd play the If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends friends friends friends, how many of us have them, friends friends friends friends ones you can depend on.
And so on. The only problem is going through my slightly-less-than-encyclopaedic knowledge of song lyrics in order to build a list of music that I can transition from one to the next in that style. I'm worried that it might not work as well as I imagine it will, but I'm finding that setting goals is really helping me feel more motivated than normal.
So for now my tentatively titled projects are rapz 4 men and DJ Word Smith.
I either buy my gear this weekend, or order it next week if I can't make it to the city over the weekend. Or if I can't be bothered. They gave me a discount of about $150 for the setup and I can get a better price going in-store so I think I will do that! Otherwise I'll just get it online because the quoted price includes the shipping cost. After this I can't really envision myself needing to make anymore big purchases besides the synth keyboard, but then that can wait. There's still my car (preferably a Supra! But I might get a Celica depending on money), my globe-trotting action, and possibly some local travel.
But we'll see. I'm out.
Oh and I'm rock climbing on Saturday as well. HOO!
For example. Going from the Spice Girls' song Wannabe and the Bone Thugs track Friends.
I'd play the If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends friends friends friends, how many of us have them, friends friends friends friends ones you can depend on.
And so on. The only problem is going through my slightly-less-than-encyclopaedic knowledge of song lyrics in order to build a list of music that I can transition from one to the next in that style. I'm worried that it might not work as well as I imagine it will, but I'm finding that setting goals is really helping me feel more motivated than normal.
So for now my tentatively titled projects are rapz 4 men and DJ Word Smith.
I either buy my gear this weekend, or order it next week if I can't make it to the city over the weekend. Or if I can't be bothered. They gave me a discount of about $150 for the setup and I can get a better price going in-store so I think I will do that! Otherwise I'll just get it online because the quoted price includes the shipping cost. After this I can't really envision myself needing to make anymore big purchases besides the synth keyboard, but then that can wait. There's still my car (preferably a Supra! But I might get a Celica depending on money), my globe-trotting action, and possibly some local travel.
But we'll see. I'm out.
Oh and I'm rock climbing on Saturday as well. HOO!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Hey Mr. DJ!
This week or possibly I will be investing in some CrazySexyCool DJ gear. With the help of my friend Stuy and a guy at the DJ Store I've pretty much picked out what I'm going to be getting. And it's expensive O_O;;
But so what.
Work's been good. I've been talking to the guy who feeds the board into my machine and he's pretty cool. I told him about my ambition to learn to DJ and that I like to rap as well and apparently he's into the same kind of stuff! He saw Bone Thugs at the Snoop Dogg concert last year or whenever it was which sounded cool. Him and his mate used to spenda Friday/Saturday back in the day getting pissed and writing/laying down rap vocals over a beat over the course of a few hours. So lately with the karaoke I've been doing, and hearing about what he used to do, it's like I feel some more confidence within myself to pull this stuff off.
So if the people think what I put out is decent then I might ask Engin if I can try have a guest spot on his next album xD
For now I'm just really really really le tired. I've contacted Nicole and Rob asking if they'd be interesting in designing a site template/layout for me. Right now the details are all up in my head and I don't want to give anything out for fear of domains and names being taken.
The tiredness isn't helped by a 10am call from the agency to confirm that I'm going to work today. Jeez. They know I'm usually overtiming it till 2am, but they call me so early anyways! Shit's ridiculous.
But so what.
Work's been good. I've been talking to the guy who feeds the board into my machine and he's pretty cool. I told him about my ambition to learn to DJ and that I like to rap as well and apparently he's into the same kind of stuff! He saw Bone Thugs at the Snoop Dogg concert last year or whenever it was which sounded cool. Him and his mate used to spenda Friday/Saturday back in the day getting pissed and writing/laying down rap vocals over a beat over the course of a few hours. So lately with the karaoke I've been doing, and hearing about what he used to do, it's like I feel some more confidence within myself to pull this stuff off.
So if the people think what I put out is decent then I might ask Engin if I can try have a guest spot on his next album xD
For now I'm just really really really le tired. I've contacted Nicole and Rob asking if they'd be interesting in designing a site template/layout for me. Right now the details are all up in my head and I don't want to give anything out for fear of domains and names being taken.
The tiredness isn't helped by a 10am call from the agency to confirm that I'm going to work today. Jeez. They know I'm usually overtiming it till 2am, but they call me so early anyways! Shit's ridiculous.
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