What to do...

What do you do when you miss someone,
but they don't miss you.
When you want to be with them,
but they don't want to.
So she could make her decision,
we took a recess.
Now her mind is made up,
and my heart is in pieces.

What to do? D:

After having not really spoken to me for the better part of 3 weeks I get an e-mail saying, in short, that it's over between us. What else can go wrong now? It's like all the things I was scared of are slowly coming to fruition. I was scared she wouldn't want to see me while she was down, then she didn't. I was scared that she wouldn't even want to talk to me, and now she's not. I was scared of losing my best friend, and now it feels like I have.

So now I don't really know what to do.

At the end of the year, depending on how much money I have saved, I am going to go and do some globe trotting. Europe, Japan, and America at least. After that I don't know. I just figure that it can't hurt to go out and do something crazy, even despite all the scary shit you read about in the news or whatever. I have an idea of what I might do when I get back, but I'm not 100% sure of it just yet so we'll see what happens.

Funny to think that my plan was to at least take her or send her to Japan. Now I'm going to be heading away by myself.

I saw Minh last night, and Zehra this morning. My brother didn't give me overtime for the first time in 3 weeks I've been working, so that was a miracle almost. Zehra keeps complaining about how I dog her whenever she wants to see me so she came by this morning and woke me up and I hung out with her outside for a bit. Her daughter is petrified of me now because she told her I was a doctor so that she wouldn't say anything to her parents about seeing me =p cause she doesn't like to talk about going to the doctors but otherwise she's a very honest little 3 year old. Kind of like family security I guess.

Tomorrow I might be going with Minh to get some stuff from MSY. I need speakers and I might be getting him a birthday present as well. Then Friday night I might be taking Andreya out, she hasn't really decided yet whether she wants a Friday night fooding or a Saturday shopping adventure. Saturday night is, as usual, FFLD BOYZ (and girlfriends [of which I have none now]) night out. Probably the driving range again, then food, and either karaoke or rock-climbing. Or both.

I think Minh's happy to have me back, what with my I don't give a shit where we go or what we do cause I only get one night out with you guys and I need to make it count! attitude. When everyday is a lazy day and I can talk to my friends whenever it's not really such a big deal. Now it's only one night of the week that we all get the opportunity to converge and be merry, so every week I take that opportunity and I grab it. 3 years ago a fun time for us would've been just going to Rob's place and playing XBOX for a couple hours. That's still a fun time for us =p cause we're all slightly computer/game-nerdy, but then going out -no matter where we go or what we do- is awesome with my friends alongside me.

Especially during this time of my life, where most of the time all I feel is devastated. To be honest nothing helps. Not talking about it, not going out and having fun, not spending copious amounts of money. At best, it's just a small distraction for a few hours.

After all I've been through with Shashi, I can say that I have only one thing that I will always regret. That's walking away from, letting go of, and losing the best thing to ever happen to me.

Rufi out.

Bad Dreams

-Busta Rhymes

That's like all I have now. Bad sleeps and bad dreams.

When you think about it, most people will spend the majority of their lives complaining about having to share a room. Sharing their things. I always shared a room with either my brothers or my sister, and for ages I'm pretty sure we all just wanted space of our own. All that time that we wait to be on our own, and all for what?

I met someone who I shared practically everything in my life with. Money, space, a bed, car, internets, everything! I guess being alone is alright. For a long time it seems like what most people want. Unfortunately for me I found someone who rocked my world, who has got me to do things that I thought I might never do. Now that she's gone my life feels... Meh.

Now I go back to way things used to be before her. All alone. Putting on a happy face so that everyone close to me suspects nothing. Even if they knew I was feeling down they wouldn't care. My family is bad like that. All the things I do, all the ways I feel, they're not want my family wants for me.

I earn more money than my brother. I have great food for every meal of the day. I actually get to see my friends every now and then. But that special someone is missing.

I don't know what to do.

Ok I should go eat now and have a decent dinner at least before bed. Shopping tomorrow, *unenthusiastic HOO*

Better Days

-TQ

Well yesterday wasn't too great. I managed to finally get a good night's sleep, but had to get up earlier than I would have liked because Hame wanted me to come along and watch Murat play soccer and then we were going to get me some steel cap boots for work. The shop that sells them was closed so we didn't. So that was a bust.

The whole Shashi ignoring me thing still went on, until later in the day when she called to let me know Steggles' car got broken into and my old PC tower got stolen. The only thing in there that I really cared about getting was the harddrive, and right now I feel pretty stupid for not just taking out the harddrive when I left and bringing it with me. All the programs and music and other stuff on there can be replaced, but there were a lot of things that can't. Old chat logs is what I wanted from it, but they're gone now. Maybe old photos, too, but hopefully I moved them to my external and didn't leave anything behind. It's scary to think that maybe some of my personal information or photos or something might still be on there. I can't do anything about it though, since it's out of my hands =/

She called me again not long after to let me know they were going to swing by and give me my stuff. I thought maybe that meant we'd hang out at least for a little while. That wasn't the case. She just came, gave me a hug, gave me my stuff, and left. My dad wasn't home so I thought she'd at least want to say to my mum and sister, and it was my niece's birthday, but she didn't want to come in at all. Who knows if she's even going to want to spend a day with me while she's down. I start work tomorrow so the only time I'd be free would be next weekend. At least she's having fun, I guess. There's nothing I can really do if she doesn't want to see me, and ignores me. She must have her reasons, but I don't know what they are. I wonder if I should still look forward to spending a day with her, only because she promised she would before I left. We'll see.

Following that shitty moment of my day, I spent a while moping around on the PC as per usual. Later on I ended up going out with Andreya to Maccas and Krispy Kreme where we ate little burgers and shared some chips before getting a coffee and donut each. Good times! It was nice to just spend a couple hours or whatever hanging out and talking about stuff. I'm hoping I'll get a chance to see the guys some time soon as well, because I haven't yet! Rob, Minh, John, Bang, all working. Everyone's busy.

So that concluded the night. She dropped me off at home around midnight where I then proceeded to chug down another can of Coke (after a Coke at Maccas and a coffee at KK's) before heading off to bed. It'll be nice if I get to hang out with Andreya and my other friends often while I'm down. I also saw Shinal at K-Mart and said hi, so I think I'll have to go there again and see if I can get her number so we can arrange to hang out when we have the time!

Fun Fact: Shinal and I have known each other since we were 7! We were in the same class every years at primary school, and in most of the same classes at high school!

It's really surreal to be back home. To have all my stuff here in my room, a room that hasn't really been mine for almost 3 years. It's not like all the other times where I have a bag or suitcase of stuff. It's not like I'm only going to be here for 3-7 days before I head back up to QLD. All my shit is here now, I'm going to be here for a long time, and I know I've said before that the reality really sunk in when Shashi told me she wanted me gone, but... I think that it's only really started to sink in just now. Andreya and I went to the same Maccas that Rob and Minh took me to last time I was down, and I spent a lot of the time just staring outside and just thinking about how last time it was just 3 days and I was gone. Now I'm here for 6 months, maybe more, maybe less, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I know now I have a job, and I'm close to all my friends and family again. It's nice to be around the people I love, and that love me. There's just a piece missing. A part of me that feels empty now.

It's not something that I can just fill up with family, friends, or money. There's just nothing I can do about it.

Just Don't Have a Clue

-Jaheim

Well now I feel a bit silly =/ I think maybe she didn't block me, but was just ignoring me. For some reason. I don't know.

How do I know this?

I called her parents to let them know about my job situation and they told me that Shashi had made it to Sydney safe and sound. So it was good to hear that she was ok!

I'm just confused about why she ignored me.

And there I got interrupted for the better part of half an hour while my brother wanted to see how the XBOX360 can stream movies and stuff from a PC. Great.

So my train of thought has been completely destroyed! I'll finish this post here otherwise I think I'd just start repeating what was said at the beginning.

Sigh. I miss that girl.

Better Start Talking

-Donell Jones

So I'm home after having been to the agency this morning to sign up for work. That went well, although I didn't think that getting job would involve studying and tests. So after being sleep deprived again I went to the agency, spent a good 2-3 hours filling up forms and taking tests, and then went home. I'm tired.

I might also be starting work as soon as Monday, so hooray for me? I guess.

Yesterday was kind of a crappy day for me. I spent most of the day worrying if Shashi was ok since she wasn't online. It's just something I do and I can't help it. I worry about my sister if she goes out late, I used to worry about Andreya walking home from school on her own, I worry about Shashi when she disappears. But what I didn't know was that Shashi was just ignoring me.

I didn't think she'd do something like that. Well, I figured that it was always a possibility that she might want to ignore me completely but I thought that she'd at least inform me beforehand. That way I wouldn't have to worry about her like I did.

But what can I do?

I don't know if she just wants space, or if she's angry with me. I tried contacting her but I've been ignored on all accounts and so it's pretty clear that this is something she really wants to do and I can't do anything about it. It's harder being ignored now than while I was up there, at least I could go and talk to her in person to see if it was something she wanted to talk about or not. Here I can't do anything =/

At least I hope whatever she's doing is making her happy.

Sydney Rain

So I got back home yesterday (Wednesday) at 3am after having left the Gold Coast at 5pm on Tuesday. Yes I did the drive in one fell swoop. Well, I almost did. About 6 hours in I stopped off at the Port Macquarie Service Center to get petrol and Maccas. Then after contemplating whether I would sleep for a bit or go on I was back on the road with only 4 hours to go. I made some videos along the way with my digital camera, although the picture is awful because it was dark as could be outside and even with the lights on in the car it wasn't too great. If you ever heard me in those videos, you'd swear that I was high on something and buzzed the fuck out - but I wasn't. I was depressed, lonely, and talking to myself. Spending 10 hours driving away from the girl that I love is one of the most emotionally painful things I've had to endure. In recent memory there is only one other thing that made me feel a deep sadness, and that was while I was 16 and the reality of my Uncle's death 6 years earlier had finally sunk in. The realisation that he would never be a part of my life even though I was very much like him. He would never be there for me to talk to then I needed it. He would never be there for anyone. Ever. That revelation hit home incredibly and, even now that I'm 23, it saddens me to think or write about it. I am not trying to downplay the impact his death has had on me, but the pain I feel about having lost him is eclipsed by the pain of losing Shashi.

My heart is broken, with a missing Shashi-shaped piece leaving me unable to put it back together. She made me the happiest man ever, was my best friend, and had more of a positive impact on my life than anyone before.

While talking to Minh (one of my best friends, known him since I was 12) he got annoyed and said that he felt like I didn't want to be here. He was right. The circumstances that have no caused me to be back home are exactly why I'm not happy. It's not like we worked things out and I was just coming down to work and save up some money to have a nicer life when I go back. I'm back home because she wants to be alone, and I'm going to be working for the sake of it and to pass time. There is some happiness to be had here while seeing my family (although as much as I love my family, they are already driving me insane) and friends, but the sadness I feel is overwhelming.

My Wednesday was spent sleeping in the car very uncomfortably for 2-3 hours before coming inside to surprise my mum, and later in the day Hame and I took all of my stuff out of the car. I let people who care about me know that I made it safe and sound and that I was still alive. I also set up my computer so that I could talk to my friends. Not the most exciting day.

This morning after about 5 hours sleep I was off to the city in order to return the rental car. It was a bit confusing getting to the place but I got there in the end. The real trouble started when I had to walk to the train station because it was pouring with rain. After ignoring the Hertz clerk's advice on getting to the Museum station I made my way for Central or Town Hall. Only I got lost. I went the wrong way down Oxford Street past all the adult stuff. It was the first time I saw a bondage clothing store with their wares displayed on mannequins in the front window. I also saw a sign for a place called the Lick-Her Shop which I thought was a clever word play and so I wanted to see what was in the shop. Problem. The entrance was around the corner from where the sign was displayed. Around the corner led into an alley. I've seen far too much scary things in TV dramas to willingly walk into a place like that by myself. Unless I want to end up in a tub of ice with a mobile phone and a missing kidney. The whole reason I wanted to take a look was because it made me think of Shashi. Anyway once I found out I was going the wrong way I turned around and in about 10-15 minutes I was at Central Station waiting for my train home. Unfortunately Sydney trains rekindle memories of the pain of letting go of Shashi after 3 days of holding onto her knowing I wouldn't be with her again until another 5 weeks passed. I hate goodbyes.

Some time during that walk from the car rental place to the station I called Shashi's house to let her parents know that I returned the car and everything was ok. Unfortunately it was hard for me to talk to her very much because I miss Shashi and her family.

After the train ride I was back in Fairfield and walking my way back home again. Since then I haven't done much. I haven't done anything really. Tomorrow morning I have to go a job agency so that I can start getting casual work from Visy and, consequently, raking in the money. Only I don't care about the money. I'm happy to make financial sacrifices and be poor with her than to be rich on my own.

So there you have it, the first 2 days at home in blog post form. Rufi is done for now.

New blog. Old story.

If you've been following my past 2 personal blogs then you know my story. Although if you haven't yet then you're probably not going to anytime soon. They run a total of about 500-600 posts dating back to mid-2004 and chronicle the happenings and goings-on of the 5 or so years that follow. So let me highlight a few of the bigger headlines.

At the end of 2005 I was in a long distance relationship that had been steadily heading downhill when the planets aligned and I met a girl who would slowly become a big part of my life. The crazy part is that I only found her by playing World of Warcraft, after joining the guild run by the sister of her boyfriend at the time. We discovered eachother on the guild forums, and from there we hit up MSN. For the next 6 months or so we spent nearly everyday talking to eachother, becoming closer and closer.

On May 11th, 2006, I became a very happy man. All that time spent talking, flirting, and playing WoW culminated in the both of us falling in love. It was on this particular day that I asked if she'd be mine and she accepted. Soon after she came down to visit me for 11 days (the best 11 days ever) and after that she'd come to see me every 5 weeks for 3 days at a time. This went on for a few months, until...

My life at home with the family was getting worse. Things had been on the decline since I was 14, but it only started getting really problematic while I was in my last years of highschool. I won't go into specifics here, but it all took quite the toll on me. So in November of 2006 I finally hardened up and directly disobeyed my father instead of tip-toe'ing around everything he wanted me to do and then I ran away from home to be with the girl I loved. The time that followed would end up being the happiest time of my life (I also did really well at University for the first time).

Until the end of 2008, where I think she started getting annoyed at some of the things I did (or didn't) do. I didn't really know it at the time, but I was making her upset. The problem was that she kept on not wanting to make me upset, and so if she ever let me know she was upset/annoyed it would be soon followed by her telling me it was ok. It was hard for me to tell if she was actually upset or not.

Then almost 4 months ago she told me that she wanted to have a break. From eachother. For all intents and purposes the relationship seemed like it was over (even if it was only temporary). There were no more affectionate hugs or cuddles. No more kissing or holding hands. No more massages. We shared a bed but there was a empty space in the middle where lovers once held eachother. In the weeks and months that followed, some of that intimacy returned and slightly eased my fears of it being over for good. From almost ignoring eachother we got to being almost like a couple again, until she asked me to leave so that she could be alone for the rest of the year. My heart broke.

So a few weeks of packing a preparation followed by a 10 hour drive, and here I am. Back home where it all began. My dad was shitty with me before I even got down here. My mum does the same old thing where she gets herself angry talking about stuff in the past. My sister-in-law is a pain, she told her kids that I was sneaking away from Shashi (I knew I had to use her name eventually) which really pisses me off. It hurt when my nephew asked me, loudly and proudly, "are you sneaking away from Shashi?!" Because I would never do that. Sigh.

So that is the rough outline of my story. There are probably little things I don't remember. Maybe other things that I just don't want to mention. But it's enough for anyone who can bother reading this first post to grasp what has gone on in my life, and what's happening from now on. So as with any major change in my life, I start a new blog to tell a new story. It's also fitting that a part of my hometown highschool students' vocabulary involves telling people to "take it home" when you are displeased with them. As my friends would say...

Take it home, Rufi, take it home