Sydney Rain

So I got back home yesterday (Wednesday) at 3am after having left the Gold Coast at 5pm on Tuesday. Yes I did the drive in one fell swoop. Well, I almost did. About 6 hours in I stopped off at the Port Macquarie Service Center to get petrol and Maccas. Then after contemplating whether I would sleep for a bit or go on I was back on the road with only 4 hours to go. I made some videos along the way with my digital camera, although the picture is awful because it was dark as could be outside and even with the lights on in the car it wasn't too great. If you ever heard me in those videos, you'd swear that I was high on something and buzzed the fuck out - but I wasn't. I was depressed, lonely, and talking to myself. Spending 10 hours driving away from the girl that I love is one of the most emotionally painful things I've had to endure. In recent memory there is only one other thing that made me feel a deep sadness, and that was while I was 16 and the reality of my Uncle's death 6 years earlier had finally sunk in. The realisation that he would never be a part of my life even though I was very much like him. He would never be there for me to talk to then I needed it. He would never be there for anyone. Ever. That revelation hit home incredibly and, even now that I'm 23, it saddens me to think or write about it. I am not trying to downplay the impact his death has had on me, but the pain I feel about having lost him is eclipsed by the pain of losing Shashi.

My heart is broken, with a missing Shashi-shaped piece leaving me unable to put it back together. She made me the happiest man ever, was my best friend, and had more of a positive impact on my life than anyone before.

While talking to Minh (one of my best friends, known him since I was 12) he got annoyed and said that he felt like I didn't want to be here. He was right. The circumstances that have no caused me to be back home are exactly why I'm not happy. It's not like we worked things out and I was just coming down to work and save up some money to have a nicer life when I go back. I'm back home because she wants to be alone, and I'm going to be working for the sake of it and to pass time. There is some happiness to be had here while seeing my family (although as much as I love my family, they are already driving me insane) and friends, but the sadness I feel is overwhelming.

My Wednesday was spent sleeping in the car very uncomfortably for 2-3 hours before coming inside to surprise my mum, and later in the day Hame and I took all of my stuff out of the car. I let people who care about me know that I made it safe and sound and that I was still alive. I also set up my computer so that I could talk to my friends. Not the most exciting day.

This morning after about 5 hours sleep I was off to the city in order to return the rental car. It was a bit confusing getting to the place but I got there in the end. The real trouble started when I had to walk to the train station because it was pouring with rain. After ignoring the Hertz clerk's advice on getting to the Museum station I made my way for Central or Town Hall. Only I got lost. I went the wrong way down Oxford Street past all the adult stuff. It was the first time I saw a bondage clothing store with their wares displayed on mannequins in the front window. I also saw a sign for a place called the Lick-Her Shop which I thought was a clever word play and so I wanted to see what was in the shop. Problem. The entrance was around the corner from where the sign was displayed. Around the corner led into an alley. I've seen far too much scary things in TV dramas to willingly walk into a place like that by myself. Unless I want to end up in a tub of ice with a mobile phone and a missing kidney. The whole reason I wanted to take a look was because it made me think of Shashi. Anyway once I found out I was going the wrong way I turned around and in about 10-15 minutes I was at Central Station waiting for my train home. Unfortunately Sydney trains rekindle memories of the pain of letting go of Shashi after 3 days of holding onto her knowing I wouldn't be with her again until another 5 weeks passed. I hate goodbyes.

Some time during that walk from the car rental place to the station I called Shashi's house to let her parents know that I returned the car and everything was ok. Unfortunately it was hard for me to talk to her very much because I miss Shashi and her family.

After the train ride I was back in Fairfield and walking my way back home again. Since then I haven't done much. I haven't done anything really. Tomorrow morning I have to go a job agency so that I can start getting casual work from Visy and, consequently, raking in the money. Only I don't care about the money. I'm happy to make financial sacrifices and be poor with her than to be rich on my own.

So there you have it, the first 2 days at home in blog post form. Rufi is done for now.